( And that pace is leisurely, slow - her favourite sort. The sort that lets you savour the environment, or in this case, the company she's in. )
Precisely. I know that negative experiences are valuable, that they teach us lessons we need to grow, but it'd be lovely if we had the option of keeping the latter whilst forgetting the former.
A very simple one. You tell me something that was keeping you up, and I'll tell you something of mine in return. It's probably physically painful for you to keep all those questions behind your teeth.
[ Because yes, he has noticed that she has a certain tendency to more or less vibrate with curiosity whenever they spend time together. ]
( She has to laugh a little at that, because really...he's not wrong. )
I never thought you'd answer me clearly if I asked them, or maybe that you'd think I had ulterior motives for asking at all.
( Still, having to talk about why she wasn't able to sleep, that she's less keen on. Still, if it means she gets to learn more about him...it's all give and take, isn't it?
After a minute or so, she eventually offers him an answer, though her smile does waver somewhat as her tone softens bit by bit. )
...I got to thinking about the last man I was with, and it sort've just spiralled from there. I was with him for a long time and he wasn't good to me, so you know. ( She shrugs once, clinging to nonchalance. ) It didn't end well, no one walked away happy.
( The next look she gives him is apologetic, chased with a smile. )
[ That gets a little "heh" of self-deprecating humour from him, because she's not wrong either. ]
I probably would've.
[ When she tels him about the memories that kept her awake, the shadows on his face grow deeper as his features harden into a scowl.
Her smile does little to soften it, even if it makes his heart ache. Why does she look like she thinks she has something to be sorry for? It's not her fault that someone treated her poorly. ]
Had a dream where someone called me by the name I was given over on the other side. I rarely rest easy after that happens.
( She just nods in understanding, though in all honesty she doesn't - not entirely. She has no idea what his history with the Fae is, and while she is curious, she'll wait a bit before she asks something like that.
As curious as she is, she's not tactless.
I can't imagine you with another name. 'John' suits you perfectly, so those dreams can sod off back where they came from.
( As the wind picks up a bit, she pulls her hair over one shoulder; something to keep her hands occupied. )
[ His broad shoulders shake in silent laughter for a moment. ]
I chose it to be as unremarkable as possible.
[ His tone is teasing, but friendly. He knows that isn't why she said the name suits him. She's just the sort of person who wants to put the sweetest possible spin on things. ]
[ And while it might have made him frown with suspicion before, he can't help that it makes him smile a little now. ]
Naoise. I don't know if it was given to me by my human kin or the fae who took me but. That's what I used to be called.
[ He doesn't particularly like speaking the name, nor is he fond of hearing it, but some part of him thinks perhaps it wouldn't sound quite so awful if spoken in Mallaidh's voice. ]
( In all honesty, she was never expecting him to tell her his real name (or 'old' name, she supposes is more accurate). It's obviously something he doesn't enjoy talking about or even thinking about. And sure, he's warmed to her considerably over the last few months, but when it comes to John, Mallaidh feels like she's both catching up and being too forward all at once. )
That's a good name too; can't say I like it more than 'John', but...( She shrugs a little with a light, playful arch of a brow. )
[ He hadn't expected her to actually try to puzzle it out, so the fact that she makes an attempt is rather endearing even though he doesn't really care all that much about what his name means.
It's more of a tool than a part of his identity, in truth. He wasn't thinking about making a new man of himself when he chose it, so much as he was attempting to make himself utterly forgettable.
Truth be told, he still doesn't quite know who he is anymore. He doesn't want to be who he was, but has no firm grasp on who he is becoming either. Then again, it doesn't matter much. He doesn't need to be someone to do what he does. In fact, being no one is better. ]
How about "God is wet and righeous"?
[ Knowing full well that being funny is not his greatest skill, he decides to move along from that attempt with speed. ]
Look, it's none of my business but... what did you mean when you said that man of yours wasn't good to you?
( It may not be his greatest skill, but luckily, it's very easy to make Mallaidh laugh. And it's....the first time? she's heard him even try to crack a joke, so she can't help the little laugh that accompanies her reply to that. It's mostly just...delight that he's even trying, honestly. )
Hey, if God's feeling it, He can be both, I don't see why not.
( It's unfortunate then that her smile's so quick to soften and fade when he asks for details. Of course, he was bound to - and she did agree to answer a question for a question of her own. It's just figuring out how to word her answer so that she doesn't entirely tank the mood that's tentatively settled between them.
Only, the more she explains, the lower she feels her heart sinking. )
Well, ah...the thing is, with what I am, I give creative types the inspiration they might be needing or lacking, in exchange for...love, I suppose is the easiest way to put it. The more they show me and the more sincere it is, the more I give them and the better their work becomes.
The man in question is a writer, and we were together for about a year before I agreed to give him what he wanted, because I was stupid enough to think that things would only get better. I'd had bad experiences before so I thought I'd know if someone...( Shaking her head, she takes a breath. )
The thing is, if things start to wane, I have to stop lending them my magic. It's draining if I get nothing back for it, but in this case he figured out that I was pulling away. He wasn't writing as much, he wasn't liking what he was writing, so he- uh..
( There's details, and then there's details. And those are something she's realising are much happier stuck to the back of her throat. )
...He made me continue to help him, he wouldn't let me leave. And it turns out he wasn't the sort to let threats just be words.
( With a shrug, she swallowed thickly, her heart pounding. )
And I was scared, so...I just stayed with him. ( Quieter, then; ) Not one of my better decisions in recent memory, if I'm bein' honest..
[ John's hands clench into tight fists as he listens, his jaw hurting from the tension gathering there with nowhere else to go since that piece of shit writer isn't around to knee in the groin.
He knows only too well the pain in her voice. He has felt it, and heard it in that of many of his children. The knowledge that you were not really ever a person, but a valuable commodity. That you might be treated with kidness, yes, perhaps even feel like you were treasured for a time, but it was never really about you at all.
The shame you feel about ever having thought it might have been.
So he stops, gently taking hold of her arm so that he can turn her toward him. He's careful, because of what she said about the man threatening her, and he doesn't want to scare her.
It's dark, but he can only hope that the moon will illuminate him enough so that she can see the sincerity in his eyes when he grips her chin to turn her face up to his. ]
You're not to blame, petal. And you're not stupid. You have a giving heart, is all. He is to blame for not cherishing it, and for wanting to cheat his way into fame because he doesn't have enough soul in him to create something real.
( As frightened as she had been back then, she's thankful that that fear doesn't grip her now as it used to. It's made her wary of falling for anyone else - or at the very least, it's made her believe she's being careful. In reality she's just been avoiding personal relationships more than she usually would, assuming that if every one is at arm's length, then friendship is all that'll occur, and thus, make no room for her to be hurt the same way.
Only, she should know better than that by now. Love happens suddenly and inconveniently and without much notice at all, and before she knows it, she's on the beach with butterflies and alarm bells respectively fluttering and sounding, soft and loud and both utterly insistent.
She slows easily to a stop when he takes her arm, tingles following the touch at her chin. Even she can't see him as clearly as she might like, she can hear the sincerity in his voice, and for a minute she's happy he can't see much of her either. )
I think I'm close to believing that, but it's hard sometimes, that's all...( Quickly wiping at her eyes with her fingertips, she made herself smile, just a little. Just enough to keep her from spiralling. She doesn't want to ruin this - if she hasn't already. )
[ She's crying, and trying to put on a brave face, all because some dirtbag didn't know how to treat a woman (or anyone) right.
John feels a familiar helplessness in his need to make it better, and the knowledge that he isn't sure that he can. ]
Ah, hell...
[ It's not what they usually do, it's certainly on the wrong side of the line he keeps trying to stay on the right side of, but he pulls her into his arms anyway to hold her. Maybe she doesn't really need it, but he does. ]
( While she's a little startled initially, that barely lasts a second. The gesture's a sweet one, regardless of how he maybe means it, and Mallaidh finds she's incapable of letting it be one sided.
Returning most embraces comes naturally to her; she's a very physical person, generally speaking, yet even still, it's surprising to her how easily she returns this particular one. John has of course had a wall up around her since they met, and she's gotten used to that. It's like they've been talking to one another from either side of it, occasionally seeing one another through the odd missing brick here and there.
This feels like they've wandered across a larger break in the wall, and by now, it feels right to linger there a bit, arms coming around a broad back as fingers softly curl into his shirt, still damp from the sea.
So sue her, she wants to enjoy this a bit before he realises what he's doing, and pushes her away to start filling the cracks back in. )
( That surprises her almost as much as the hug; of course, things have changed between them since their first, stormy meeting, but she never quite expected him to say something like that.
That's not to say she doesn't appreciate it, because she sincerely does. So much so that, when she finally pulls away, it's not completely. Just enough for the fingertips of one hand to come up to his jaw, barely touching him as she presses a small kiss to the opposite cheek. )
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chiming
For liberatus
Date: 2020-09-20 08:24 pm (UTC)From:( And that pace is leisurely, slow - her favourite sort. The sort that lets you savour the environment, or in this case, the company she's in. )
Precisely. I know that negative experiences are valuable, that they teach us lessons we need to grow, but it'd be lovely if we had the option of keeping the latter whilst forgetting the former.
Re: For liberatus
Date: 2020-09-20 11:46 pm (UTC)From:Still, at times like this it certainly doesn't hurt to slow things down a bit. ]
But here we are. Stuck with our memories.
[ And each other, a somewhat startling thought decides to add. ]
So... how about we add a little something to this stroll of ours. A deal. Or a game, if you prefer.
Re: For liberatus
Date: 2020-09-21 12:29 am (UTC)From:( Oh, well colour her intrigued. Arching a brow at him, Mallaidh gives him a curious look. )
What sort of game..?
no subject
Date: 2020-09-21 12:35 am (UTC)From:[ Because yes, he has noticed that she has a certain tendency to more or less vibrate with curiosity whenever they spend time together. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-09-21 01:00 am (UTC)From:( She has to laugh a little at that, because really...he's not wrong. )
I never thought you'd answer me clearly if I asked them, or maybe that you'd think I had ulterior motives for asking at all.
( Still, having to talk about why she wasn't able to sleep, that she's less keen on. Still, if it means she gets to learn more about him...it's all give and take, isn't it?
After a minute or so, she eventually offers him an answer, though her smile does waver somewhat as her tone softens bit by bit. )
...I got to thinking about the last man I was with, and it sort've just spiralled from there. I was with him for a long time and he wasn't good to me, so you know. ( She shrugs once, clinging to nonchalance. ) It didn't end well, no one walked away happy.
( The next look she gives him is apologetic, chased with a smile. )
What about you?
no subject
Date: 2020-09-23 07:17 pm (UTC)From:I probably would've.
[ When she tels him about the memories that kept her awake, the shadows on his face grow deeper as his features harden into a scowl.
Her smile does little to soften it, even if it makes his heart ache. Why does she look like she thinks she has something to be sorry for? It's not her fault that someone treated her poorly. ]
Had a dream where someone called me by the name I was given over on the other side. I rarely rest easy after that happens.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-23 10:11 pm (UTC)From:As curious as she is, she's not tactless.
I can't imagine you with another name. 'John' suits you perfectly, so those dreams can sod off back where they came from.
( As the wind picks up a bit, she pulls her hair over one shoulder; something to keep her hands occupied. )
Your turn.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-24 10:42 pm (UTC)From:I chose it to be as unremarkable as possible.
[ His tone is teasing, but friendly. He knows that isn't why she said the name suits him. She's just the sort of person who wants to put the sweetest possible spin on things. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-09-25 01:11 pm (UTC)From:Well you've failed miserably. ( She smiles, this time brighter. ) As previously stated, I think you're anything but that.
( She's trying to be sweet, yes - but the compliment was meant to be genuine; John's a strong name, and he is certainly that in more ways than one.
At least, as far as she can tell with the help of his wet shirt. )
no subject
Date: 2020-09-25 07:23 pm (UTC)From:[ And while it might have made him frown with suspicion before, he can't help that it makes him smile a little now. ]
Naoise. I don't know if it was given to me by my human kin or the fae who took me but. That's what I used to be called.
[ He doesn't particularly like speaking the name, nor is he fond of hearing it, but some part of him thinks perhaps it wouldn't sound quite so awful if spoken in Mallaidh's voice. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-09-25 10:43 pm (UTC)From:( In all honesty, she was never expecting him to tell her his real name (or 'old' name, she supposes is more accurate). It's obviously something he doesn't enjoy talking about or even thinking about. And sure, he's warmed to her considerably over the last few months, but when it comes to John, Mallaidh feels like she's both catching up and being too forward all at once. )
That's a good name too; can't say I like it more than 'John', but...( She shrugs a little with a light, playful arch of a brow. )
Do you know what it means?
no subject
Date: 2020-09-25 10:59 pm (UTC)From:[ Not a bad fit on that score, really, though it doesn't do anything to change how he feels about it. ]
Unless you mean "John" in which case no, I don't.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-26 09:12 pm (UTC)From:( Tilting her face up to the sky a moment, she gives it a little thought. )
It's a very biblical name, so I feel like it's definition might have something to do with God, or righteousness. Or maybe being dunked in a river.
( That was what happened to John the Baptist, right? )
Or, I suppose, the sea in your case.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-26 09:23 pm (UTC)From:It's more of a tool than a part of his identity, in truth. He wasn't thinking about making a new man of himself when he chose it, so much as he was attempting to make himself utterly forgettable.
Truth be told, he still doesn't quite know who he is anymore. He doesn't want to be who he was, but has no firm grasp on who he is becoming either. Then again, it doesn't matter much. He doesn't need to be someone to do what he does. In fact, being no one is better. ]
How about "God is wet and righeous"?
[ Knowing full well that being funny is not his greatest skill, he decides to move along from that attempt with speed. ]
Look, it's none of my business but... what did you mean when you said that man of yours wasn't good to you?
no subject
Date: 2020-09-26 10:13 pm (UTC)From:Hey, if God's feeling it, He can be both, I don't see why not.
( It's unfortunate then that her smile's so quick to soften and fade when he asks for details. Of course, he was bound to - and she did agree to answer a question for a question of her own. It's just figuring out how to word her answer so that she doesn't entirely tank the mood that's tentatively settled between them.
Only, the more she explains, the lower she feels her heart sinking. )
Well, ah...the thing is, with what I am, I give creative types the inspiration they might be needing or lacking, in exchange for...love, I suppose is the easiest way to put it. The more they show me and the more sincere it is, the more I give them and the better their work becomes.
The man in question is a writer, and we were together for about a year before I agreed to give him what he wanted, because I was stupid enough to think that things would only get better. I'd had bad experiences before so I thought I'd know if someone...( Shaking her head, she takes a breath. )
The thing is, if things start to wane, I have to stop lending them my magic. It's draining if I get nothing back for it, but in this case he figured out that I was pulling away. He wasn't writing as much, he wasn't liking what he was writing, so he- uh..
( There's details, and then there's details. And those are something she's realising are much happier stuck to the back of her throat. )
...He made me continue to help him, he wouldn't let me leave. And it turns out he wasn't the sort to let threats just be words.
( With a shrug, she swallowed thickly, her heart pounding. )
And I was scared, so...I just stayed with him. ( Quieter, then; ) Not one of my better decisions in recent memory, if I'm bein' honest..
no subject
Date: 2020-09-26 10:47 pm (UTC)From:He knows only too well the pain in her voice. He has felt it, and heard it in that of many of his children. The knowledge that you were not really ever a person, but a valuable commodity. That you might be treated with kidness, yes, perhaps even feel like you were treasured for a time, but it was never really about you at all.
The shame you feel about ever having thought it might have been.
So he stops, gently taking hold of her arm so that he can turn her toward him. He's careful, because of what she said about the man threatening her, and he doesn't want to scare her.
It's dark, but he can only hope that the moon will illuminate him enough so that she can see the sincerity in his eyes when he grips her chin to turn her face up to his. ]
You're not to blame, petal. And you're not stupid. You have a giving heart, is all. He is to blame for not cherishing it, and for wanting to cheat his way into fame because he doesn't have enough soul in him to create something real.
no subject
Date: 2020-09-27 12:32 am (UTC)From:( As frightened as she had been back then, she's thankful that that fear doesn't grip her now as it used to. It's made her wary of falling for anyone else - or at the very least, it's made her believe she's being careful. In reality she's just been avoiding personal relationships more than she usually would, assuming that if every one is at arm's length, then friendship is all that'll occur, and thus, make no room for her to be hurt the same way.
Only, she should know better than that by now. Love happens suddenly and inconveniently and without much notice at all, and before she knows it, she's on the beach with butterflies and alarm bells respectively fluttering and sounding, soft and loud and both utterly insistent.
She slows easily to a stop when he takes her arm, tingles following the touch at her chin. Even she can't see him as clearly as she might like, she can hear the sincerity in his voice, and for a minute she's happy he can't see much of her either. )
I think I'm close to believing that, but it's hard sometimes, that's all...( Quickly wiping at her eyes with her fingertips, she made herself smile, just a little. Just enough to keep her from spiralling. She doesn't want to ruin this - if she hasn't already. )
no subject
Date: 2020-10-02 07:03 pm (UTC)From:John feels a familiar helplessness in his need to make it better, and the knowledge that he isn't sure that he can. ]
Ah, hell...
[ It's not what they usually do, it's certainly on the wrong side of the line he keeps trying to stay on the right side of, but he pulls her into his arms anyway to hold her. Maybe she doesn't really need it, but he does. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-10-03 12:28 am (UTC)From:( While she's a little startled initially, that barely lasts a second. The gesture's a sweet one, regardless of how he maybe means it, and Mallaidh finds she's incapable of letting it be one sided.
Returning most embraces comes naturally to her; she's a very physical person, generally speaking, yet even still, it's surprising to her how easily she returns this particular one. John has of course had a wall up around her since they met, and she's gotten used to that. It's like they've been talking to one another from either side of it, occasionally seeing one another through the odd missing brick here and there.
This feels like they've wandered across a larger break in the wall, and by now, it feels right to linger there a bit, arms coming around a broad back as fingers softly curl into his shirt, still damp from the sea.
So sue her, she wants to enjoy this a bit before he realises what he's doing, and pushes her away to start filling the cracks back in. )
no subject
Date: 2020-10-05 07:47 pm (UTC)From:[ He speaks in a low growl, his arms tightening around Mallaidh as if to shield her from anything that might try to hurt her. ]
no subject
Date: 2020-10-05 08:50 pm (UTC)From:( That surprises her almost as much as the hug; of course, things have changed between them since their first, stormy meeting, but she never quite expected him to say something like that.
That's not to say she doesn't appreciate it, because she sincerely does. So much so that, when she finally pulls away, it's not completely. Just enough for the fingertips of one hand to come up to his jaw, barely touching him as she presses a small kiss to the opposite cheek. )